Marriages That Go The Distance
Making LOVEMaking love happens more than in the bedroom. The word making means quite literally…creating. Love can be created anywhere, anytime, between any two people. When you make love a priority you make the object of your love a priority. Here are some simple ways you and your spouse can make love a priority this week.
1) Talk Charge: tell your spouse about your dream when you wake up, share something cute from the cereal box during breakfast, phone mid-morning to see how their day is going, phone again mid-afternoon to say I love you. Look a…t your kids sleeping and talk about the miracle of their lives. (at least 5 times a day)
2) Super Talk Charge: 25 minute personal, intimate, or romantic communication. Life’s logistical issues are off limits. Reminisce about your courtship, share your feelings about anything, get to know each other again, have fun, laugh together, tell stories, share jokes. Recite a poem. (one per week)
3) Touch Charge: Positive, loving, physical contact. Groping does not count. Gentle hand touches, cheek brushes, etc. Small kisses, not looking for anything sexual. (3 times per day)
4) Date Night: once per week. Get out of the house. No entertainment that causes you to face the same direction. You’ll need to face each other. You are the entertainment. You need a couple of hours to really be together. Don’t invite anyone else, and don’t attend anything social. Date night is for you and your spouse only. Date night should be an evening. Get creative. (Jacuzzi Thursday – candles, wine and staring and talking)
5) Romantic Retreats (3 times per year) – 3 days and 2 nights, not about destination, it’s about you. We live in the staycation capital of the world. Inns, bed and breakfasts, prepare your own food,
6) Business Meeting: (once per week) – logistical matters, food shopping, budgeting, vacation planning, bill paying, cooking, cleaning, holiday planning and day to day agendas. Table these items for your business meeting.
7) Photo Opp: hire Emily to take pictures of you and your spouse. You can schedule a time for the family, but I am talking about the two of you. Put those photos up, office, wallet minimum.
Birthday Party (once per year) – pick a fine restaurant, hire a caterer, cook a gourmet meal. Decorate, make special signs. This year I rented a limo with a handful of people. One of the times I got it right.
Talk Charge – 5 minutes per day
Super Talk Charge – 25 minutes per week
Touch Charge – 3 times daily
Date Night – 2 hours per week
Romantic Retreat – 100 hours per year
Business Meeting – 45 minutes per week
Photo Opp – once per spouse
Birthday Party – once per year (5 hours)
8760 hours over the course of the year
2160 hours will go to work
302 hours to Making Love – 3% of your time
*adapted from Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel
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Date Night Do’s
In college a girl invited me out on a date. I said yes and when I showed up, she informed me that we’d be spending the day re-enacting the Civil War- her favorite past time. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the movie Glory. But this was not my idea of a good time. There was no second date.
Connection doesn’t always happen automatically. What activities or hobbies did you and your spouse participate in before you were married? Before kids? Is there a hobby or activity that you can use to connect you? Maybe it’s hiking, or playing cards, or bowling…
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Scratching the Marital Itch
When it comes to experiencing love in your marriage it’s crucial that you discover how your spouse feels loved. After you’ve taken our intimacy interview you and taken some time to dive into conversation with your spouse- you’ll have insight into what makes your spouse “feel loved”. For some husbands a home cooked meal and a clean and organized home may make him feel secure and loved. Others may not mind the dust or chaos or dining on a frozen pot pie, but feel extremely loved when their wife encourages him with her words.
See, my husband LOVES having his back scratched. I’ve learned over the years that if I want to have a healthy marriage, I’ll be a great back scratcher. What if my I were scratching my husband’s back and he was trying to direct me to “the spot” yet, I kept missing it. When I was through, it may have been a nice gesture, but he would have been left unsatisfied and possibly even frustrated. Love and marriage works the same. You may feel that you are “loving” your spouse- but are you scratching their “itch”. Is what your doing communicating love to him or her? If not, you’ll both be left frustrated. Take time to understand your husband or wife and communicate love in the way that they hear it best. Your efforts won’t go unnoticed.
Diffusing Anger
Too often we associate emotions with being negative or “bad” when in fact emotions, such as anger, fear, disappointment- are a natural by-product of functioning in this world. We often punish people in our lives for “feeling” these negative emotions. Doing this is the equivalent of punishing someone for their toe hurting, or a headache. Feelings are a part of life. If we train ourselves to see these emotions like “indicator lights” on the dashboards of our life- we can use “feelings” as a productive part of life.
Anger is often an indicator light that flashes when we’ve experienced injustice. “That’s not right.” “That’s not fair”- These thoughts are often followed by feelings anger and frustration. Additionally anger and fear go hand in hand. Wherever anger is present, so is fear. Fear of abandonment, fear of the unknown- these feelings are often the root of anger in your spouse. Healthy marriages are those that find the best way to deal with these emotions. Two ways we can use emotions to improve our relationships.
1. Take ownership of our emotions and use them in constructive ways. Take responsibility for our behaviors.
2. Seek to understand our spouse. What is the “root” emotion. Nothing diffuses anger like being “understood”
Don’t let emotions destroy your healthy marriage, use them to build a strong marriage that stands strong against divorce.
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